A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
“What animal is this?” she asked.
“A cat!” said Eddie.
“Good job! Now, what is this animal?”
“A dog!” said Eddie.
“Good! Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
“It’s what your mom calls your dad.”
“A horny ba$t@rd!!,” called out Eddie.
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.
“I will grant you three wishes,” said the genie. “But there is a catch.”
“What catch?” the man asked.
The genie replied, “Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted.”
“Well, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.
“What is your first wish?” asked the genie.
“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!”
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
“Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris,” said the genie. “Next wish?”
“I’d love a million dollars,” replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
“Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars,” said the genie.
“Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got my million,” replied the man.
“What is your third and final wish?”
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney!”
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
“The good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need: a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
Continue Reading…
John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion of words and their meaning.
The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “tragedy”.
So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.”
One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.
“That’s wrong,” Kerry says. “That would be considered an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“You are completely incorrect” says the Senator. “That would be what we
would consider a great loss”.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a b!tch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand what politics is now.”
“Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t.”
Jerry received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least very rude.
Jerry tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation. Jerry put the parrot in the FREEZER.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was a —-
Not a sound for half a minute. Jerry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Jerry’s extended arm and said: “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
Jerry was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made the difference and caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the chicken did???”
World’s leading mobile manufacturer Samsung has finally launched 8-megapixel touch screen camera phone, namely SAMSUNG Pixon or M8800 in Indian market. The newly introduced gizmo is considered as most powerful handset till date, having camera 
which can accomplish professional work as well.
The cellphone cum digicam has a 3.2-inch WQVGA large full touchscreen (240 x 400 pixel resolution) that supports Samsung TouchWiz user interface for intuitive tap, sweep, drag and drop operations.
The handset comes with in-built autofocus camera which can take a photo with maximum image resolution of 3264*2468. The phone has features like face, blink, and smile detection, dual LED flash, Wide Dynamic Range, Advance Shake Reduction, GPS geo-tagging support.
In addition, the camera phone can also record amazing WVGA movies at 30fps or QVGA at 120fps. The phone supports video player formats such as DivX, Xvid and MP4. Apart from main camera, Samsung Pixon also has a secondary front camera for video-calls.
With internet connectivity, the phone offers support for both HSDPA high speed Internet with up to 7.2 download speed and UMTS capability.
The phone won’t disappoint gaming enthusiasts with its features, as it already pre-loaded with exciting games like Brain Challenge, Diamond Twister and Millionaire-3.
Other features of 3G capable Samsung Pixon M8800 include an onscreen QWERTY keyboard and onscreen handwriting recognition, FM radio, a multi-format music player with SRS 3D surround sound, Bluetooth with A2DP, TV-out, and microUSB socket.
The company claims that the device is powered with a high-capacity 1000 mAh Li-Ion battery which supports up to 290h standby time and up to 3h and 40m talk time.
The SAMSUNG Pixon is priced at MRP of Rs 28,750. Interested consumer can buy the device online through company’s website or offline through company’s authorized retail outlets, spread throughout the country.
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out in their cabins. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way…
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. “I know how to get some time off work” the man whispered.“How?” asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. “Look!” he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, he hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head’s office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
“I’m a light bulb” answered the public servant.
“I think you need some time off,” barked the Director. “Get out of here - that’s an order - and I don’t want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?”
“Yes sir”, the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
“Where do you think you’re going?” the boss asked.
“Home,” he said lightly. “I can’t work in the dark!!.”
Intelligent workers, aren’t they? 
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. Continue Reading…
Posted 4 months ago at 03:23. 2 comments
